I still have a couple of days to go, but this week, I turn 40. I have forty years of life stories to tell, but most importantly, I have the courage to tell them because I realize my life so far is the sum of all those parts. Even the chapters that are cringe-inducing or heartbreaking, from this side of the ill, are obviously part of what God has used to get me here. As my friend once said, “The things that I’d remove are the things that make the story mine.”
After decades of discovery/trying to find out what I stand
for, I’m finally far enough down the road to ‘declare.’ Aware of who I am and
more importantly, who I am not. I’m more comfortable in my (aging) skin to be
me and walk my road without always feeling like it means the way you are doing
your thing and walking your road makes me right or wrong. Other people’s
choices no longer feel like personal affronts or indictments of mine. I
absolutely have my moments, but they increasingly end with peace that my lines
have fallen in pleasant places.
I no longer hear song lyrics, but I comprehend them more
deeply – the ones about searching, knowing, loving and losing. I’ve been in
each of those places with allows for greater grace as I walk through this
broken world.
I enjoy being mature enough to realize how cleansing it is
to simply admit when I'm wrong. Knowing I don’t have to be perfect or even
completely understood to be loved. This deep security of mine is incredible.
I like being old enough to realize that no one has it all
figured out. There is no longer the elusive dream that one day I will have my
crap together and be a walking self-help book. This has released me to ask
questions instead of faking competence, which as it turns out, allows me to
learn a great deal. It has also allowed me to take myself a LOT less seriously.
I am sure there are people out there who don’t like me or
get me, and it’s okay. As long as I am being loving and pursuing the Lord, I
don’t need their vote. Life is not a popularity contest, but rather a grand adventure
where it is never too late to try and learn new things.
If there are any Annie fans out there, “I really think I’m
gonna like it here.”
