I had a lot of ideas about what kind of mom I would be
before I became one.
I had visions of myself blissfully nursing my sleepy babies.
Content and happy. And in later years, having a relatively perfect American
dream.
This idealized version of myself is a far cry from reality. O
the whole, motherhood has been punctuated with moments that are like heaven. But
too, I have faced long, never-ending days and many sleepless nights, and I have
wondered with despair, “Why is this so hard for me?”
For me being the
operative phrase. Because motherhood appeared to be easy for everyone else. It
felt as though I was the only one struggling to find contentment in this new
season.
I’ve talked about this before, but I remind you that I’ve
dealt with postpartum anxiety twice. Once after my 1st child and again after my
4th child. And though I quickly overcame those tendencies without
medical treatment, I remember that when my mind was tempted to walk down that
path, my saving grace was face time with moms who can keep it real. They reminded
me we are all struggling, because being a mom is actually hard work.
We have to take a step back and remind ourselves that our
worth is not wrapped up in how good a mom we are. It’s not in how well we’re
juggling being a mom. It’s not in how good a wife I am. Or how many hours my
kid sleeps at night or whether I can manage to feed him or her something green
every day.
The truth is I am worthy because I [we] am loved by God. I
am created by Him to be loved and to love others. And I do not have to do
anything to find my worth. I can struggle and cry and be weak because His love
covers all those things.
Ironically, it can be hard to claim that because I have not
made space for my relationship with God the way I used to before I was a mom.
But I know in my heart it is true. I also know that God understands me. He
knows where I’m at right now and He knows my heart.
So in each day, and sometimes moment by moment, I make the
choice to say that I am a good mom.
Not just good enough. But good. And so are
you.
