Maybe
meditation is best done in longer periods of time than 1-2 minutes, but
honestly, it’s all I’ve got. And usually, it’s more like 30 seconds or less.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths
followed by a moment or two of reminding myself to not focus on negative
things, like having piles of laundry, an unkempt house, unfinished projects,
yada yada yada. And then I suppose reminding myself to not focus on these
things is actually a way to focus on these things. Heh.
What is this
thing I MUST do, in the telling? Like telling enough people will POOF, make
them go away. I suppose this is part of why we repeat all of our hard things.
Underneath, maybe it feels like it will take them away…I don’t know.
Habits are
hard to break.
When someone
asks how I’m doing, I habitually say “I’m fine.” But I really want to say, I’m GREAT,
and just really mean it, because I work hard on every aspect of my life. My
priorities are lined up just right. My faith, family, and finances are strong and healthy.
I’ve been
thinking about the Order of Peace. I have been reading about fear and
acceptance, and hope. Then I zone out, thinking about the boxes of outgrown
baby clothes and how they have no place in the house, because it’s so easy to
fall back into whatever big and small hard things are bothering me. I know
gratitude plays such a huge part in this.
I have…So
much, right? My kids are not only fine, but they are thriving. I am married and
living life everyday with my best friend. We have a wonderful little home in an
amazing part of town. We have stable jobs and flourishing hobbies. An oh-so-incredible
church and some truly remarkable friendships. So much to be grateful for, and I
am. That’s often too easy to forgo, the gratitude. But I have it, underneath
any strain, always. What a gift.
This is
true. I strive to uncover the gratitude, but I often find myself feeling so
swallowed by the stress and strain of everyday life.
We all do,
methinks.
Last night
it hit me, while editing photos of someone’s precious newborn. My joy is stolen
so often by things/stresses I cannot control, and that’s life. It is lies to
believe that everything is going to be okay all the time, to strive for that,
punching at things that aren’t right with the world. All is not right, big and
small.
Do we hide
from the stress, and attempt to live with it? Sometimes that’s all we can do,
but the hiding is either hole-filling or not. The holes that are in us are deep
and wide and filled with self-medicating and staying too busy and numbing out
and running. Or they are not. And running and numbing can be necessary, but
they only work until they just do not. They only end up hurting us more, and
sometimes the people around us.
Maybe it’s
up to me. The holes don’t stay filled. Maybe I never see the bottom of the
laundry basket. Maybe I’ll never know what my floors look like underneath all
the toys. Maybe I never reach the end of my photo editing. Maybe I never clear
my Inbox at work, of emails. Maybe I’ll never get that red juice stain out of
the floor in my SUV.
The peace is
in the letting go, for the filling up, with gratitude and that
non-stop-never-gonna-quit hole-filler–grace. And today I whisper into stress’
ear…”what are you here to teach me?”
