HOLE-FILLING

Maybe meditation is best done in longer periods of time than 1-2 minutes, but honestly, it’s all I’ve got. And usually, it’s more like 30 seconds or less. Deep breaths.

Deep breaths followed by a moment or two of reminding myself to not focus on negative things, like having piles of laundry, an unkempt house, unfinished projects, yada yada yada. And then I suppose reminding myself to not focus on these things is actually a way to focus on these things. Heh.

What is this thing I MUST do, in the telling? Like telling enough people will POOF, make them go away. I suppose this is part of why we repeat all of our hard things. Underneath, maybe it feels like it will take them away…I don’t know.

Habits are hard to break.

When someone asks how I’m doing, I habitually say “I’m fine.” But I really want to say, I’m GREAT, and just really mean it, because I work hard on every aspect of my life. My priorities are lined up just right. My faith, family, and finances are strong and healthy.

I’ve been thinking about the Order of Peace. I have been reading about fear and acceptance, and hope. Then I zone out, thinking about the boxes of outgrown baby clothes and how they have no place in the house, because it’s so easy to fall back into whatever big and small hard things are bothering me. I know gratitude plays such a huge part in this.

I have…So much, right? My kids are not only fine, but they are thriving. I am married and living life everyday with my best friend. We have a wonderful little home in an amazing part of town. We have stable jobs and flourishing hobbies. An oh-so-incredible church and some truly remarkable friendships. So much to be grateful for, and I am. That’s often too easy to forgo, the gratitude. But I have it, underneath any strain, always. What a gift.

This is true. I strive to uncover the gratitude, but I often find myself feeling so swallowed by the stress and strain of everyday life.

We all do, methinks.

Last night it hit me, while editing photos of someone’s precious newborn. My joy is stolen so often by things/stresses I cannot control, and that’s life. It is lies to believe that everything is going to be okay all the time, to strive for that, punching at things that aren’t right with the world. All is not right, big and small.

Do we hide from the stress, and attempt to live with it? Sometimes that’s all we can do, but the hiding is either hole-filling or not. The holes that are in us are deep and wide and filled with self-medicating and staying too busy and numbing out and running. Or they are not. And running and numbing can be necessary, but they only work until they just do not. They only end up hurting us more, and sometimes the people around us.

Maybe it’s up to me. The holes don’t stay filled. Maybe I never see the bottom of the laundry basket. Maybe I’ll never know what my floors look like underneath all the toys. Maybe I never reach the end of my photo editing. Maybe I never clear my Inbox at work, of emails. Maybe I’ll never get that red juice stain out of the floor in my SUV.

The peace is in the letting go, for the filling up, with gratitude and that non-stop-never-gonna-quit hole-filler–grace. And today I whisper into stress’ ear…”what are you here to teach me?”