We laughed about some memories, that night last week when my
eldest son and I went out for our monthly date night. Then I asked about this
one thing and he said, hesitantly, his eyes rolling, That’s…well, that’s when I
was baptized…
Why do you roll your eyes at that, I asked.
I don’t know…it’s just that I haven’t been all that close to
God all the time. And I’ve made some big mistakes…
I wanted to shout HE LOVES YOUR STINKIN GUTS, dude!
We talked about how it’s more of a process, to come to a
real faith in a loving creator. And that sometimes following steps; Pray these
words, ask Him into your heart, now live differently, amen -- Lather Rinse
Repeat -- can set you up for failure, because you somehow believe this means you
are perfected and spirit-filled to the point of no return to your humanity.
And then you return to your humanity. Well, because you are, in fact, human.
And then you think you’re a terrible person. And that you've
failed as a Christian. And then you feel far away from God and you wonder if
you ever really were close at all or if it was just some random emotional
moment, a new thing, a taste of heaven that slipped away.
This seems quite defeating, this systematic way.
Maybe the Way is longer, more mysterious, much bigger than
we could fathom. Maybe while we sat at the table, in that moment, talking about
summer, girls and God, we were holiness embodied. Despite our fumbling words
and our currently terribly messy lives. Despite how life changes, altering the
meaning of a baptism. Despite ourselves. Despite all the different takes on the
Bible and every answer for every question Christianity raises up.
Maybe the way we sat there in unconditional support and
love, breaking bread and living life together, laughing and joking and talking…maybe
all of that is really living His love and maybe we’re okay. No…not maybe. We are
okay. We are more than okay. We are right where we need to be in this moment.
I know there is a loving God. Not because I prayed a prayer,
but because as I walked through life, feeling like I could never get it right,
feeling so far away from Good and Right, He used people and experiences to show
me a New Way–a grace way. A wide open, free, fully alive thing. A thing where I
have no answers, but many questions, and I’m learning to put the questions
down. A thing where I question my motives and choices against the rules and
come up still confused and so I have no choice but to set them down. A thing
where instead of feeling far from God when this happens, I feel more love.
Because He loves my guts. And when I remember that, when I really get that, I
don’t feel so bound up by something that is supposed to feel like salvation but
doesn't.
We talked about how the years change us, how our faith takes
on different shapes and is richer and maybe even something more powerful than
the original “by the book” understanding we started with.
Then we went back to the stuffing our faces and concluded
our date with the feeling that maybe, just maybe, we’re going to be okay.
