Thursday, August 27, 2009


Thursday, August 13, 2009


There was this year in high school, when I was obsessed with creative writing and poetry, and I was listening to Bjork on repeat while I wrote angst poetry into a tattered notebook.

I dated a hippy/surfer boy who was 2 years older than me and immature as hell but I put up with it because we did crazy, spur-of-the-moment things and he was ridiculously gorgeous. When he went to college, he lived in an old apartment walking distance from the English department and even though it had a bedroom he usually slept on the couch and never did his dishes.

We would spend a Friday night eating burritos, drinking beer, and waiting for his laundry to dry at the laundromat while he read me stupid poems he had written in his own tattered notebook about me, mashed potatoes, and some sad life that he thought he had (which was actually quite luxurious and comfy). We thought we were so cool.

It was a tumultuous time in my life having moved from the inner city to the country due to my father’s new marriage to a woman I loathed. I was the only one not happy about all the newness enveloping our family. But I was there. Stuck.

Except I wasn’t. I was merely laying the foundation for my life. And learning. I was learning not to waste time on obnoxious 19 year old boys, no matter how good looking they might be. I was learning that wisdom and acceptance would be the medicine to fix me. and that in order to do something with myself I needed to stop being so self absorbed and become aware of who and what was around me.

I could never see those things when I was 17. Or 21. I thought I knew everything.

and really, I knew nothing.

It wasn’t until my 30’s that I experienced that “ah-ha” moment. That moment where everything I absorbed in the passing years all rolled up together and hit me, head on, like a big Mack truck.

I have more than I ever needed. More than I ever deserved. I’m in such a good place – it’s where I belong. But God had to show me the not-so-good so that I would appreciate the great.
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