There are logic-defying emotions associated with cancer. They can't be defended or dissuaded, they have to be felt and slowly evolve. In the beginning of this journey, I never verbalized it, but I blamed myself. Clearly, I wasn't a good enough person. I must have caused it. Maybe even deserved it.
Though my cancer journey is nowhere near it's end, it's near healed me in ways I didn't know needed healing. This cancer experience of mine has become penance. Penance for what I've failed to do, for my feelings, for my thoughts. It has given me insight into others -- their fear, their suffrage, their isolation, their pain, their brokenness, their shame, their guilt, their embarrassment.
It allowed me to dig deep within myself. It allowed me to see the raw and stripped down me. It's taught me a priceless lesson -- one I somewhat always believed true, but now feel deep in the bellows of my soul -- external beauty holds no true value. Before, I never truly grasped how valuable I was beyond my physical until my external beauty abandoned me nearly overnight.
Events happen in life, not because we deserve them. Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people...all day, every day. We can't control the things that happen but by accepting them as they are, we can swim across them with greater ease because the Lord is our strength, and we are not required to be dragged down by their weight.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy and with my song I praise Him." Psalm 28:7
We are divine because we are made by the Divine. We are extraordinary because we were created by the Extraordinary. We are love because we were made in His image and He is the epitome of love. We lack for nothing because we were given everything.
My cancer experience actually gave me more than it took, and allowed God to heal me in places I never could have reached on my own.