Monday, October 17, 2016

GRATEFULNESS IN MY HEART


Dearest friends. Awesome, wonderful humans. You.

You are the best of the BEST. You are. I am such a jumble of thoughts and emotions and pain and tiredness. And my post surgery brain is foggy and weird. I feel like I've forgotten a whole bunch of words. And I can't seem to form sentences that make sense, and sometimes when I talk this happens, "I just... I don't even... the thing is... what."

(or, as redhead Alyson Hannigan once put it, "Mouth words memory times")

The brain fog is a lovely side effect of everything going on in my body. Still, I'm going to try and convey my love and appreciation. Here goes.

I can't even begin to express the gratefulness that is in my heart. I am blown away. A recent post was a tough one to write, but what happened after I pressed publish was incredible. The way you have surrounded me with your kind words, your good vibes, your much-needed jokes, your beautiful prayers, your daily thoughts, and your compassionate love - has moved me to tears. You left comments, typed up emails, texted, wrote letters, sent gifts, tweeted, instagrammed, and even sent carrier pigeons.

(Ok fine, that last one never happened)

I'm. In. Awe. Totally speechless.

I'm learning to receive during this time, but I feel super unworthy.

Not only did you do all of the things above, you also told stories. You shared personal, heartfelt journeys. I have gotten to read stories from all around the world. Stories from old friends and new friends and people I had never spoken to, but now can't imagine this journey without them. Stories from cancer survivors, current cancer & disease fighters, people who have lost a family member or a friend, people who have conquered hardships and struggles, and have inspired so many. I am honored that you took the time and energy to share pieces of your hearts with me. I do not take it lightly. I am in the (slow) process of replying to each and every one of you - every email, every text, every comment, every tweet - and each time I reply to one, I send up a prayer of thankfulness that our paths crossed. And when I'm having a bad day or a moment of fear, I have your words to read over and over again. And that... I just can't thank you enough for that. Words sometimes fail me, so all I will say for now is that I think you're the raddest, most wonderful bunch of individuals and I carry your kindness, your love, and your stories with me every single day. I will carry them forever. You have inspired me. 


Thank you for lifting me up and helping me through this. If I can ever do the same for you... just say the word.

I'm doing okay. So much has happened in such a short amount of time... but I'm okay. I won't lie -- this is hard. And I have pain, much and often. And a lot of the time I'm like sweatpants are my jam, actual clothes can take a hike. And sometimes I get a burst of energy (yess!), but it usually lasts about twenty minutes and then the tired come back. It kind of bums me out. But - I'm here. And I'm doing well. And my body is responding. I'm refusing to wallow in self-pity. And I 'm remembering to laugh. And to keep fighting. I'm tough. I'm a warrior. I'm going to be fine.

It's funny. Ever since I mentioned the word warrior in my last post, it has popped up every single day, in some way or another. I hear it. I read it. I see it. In books and on blogs. In emails. In other people's stories. In their struggles and their losses. It's a constant reminder - to stay strong, and to be brave. We're all warriors, in our own ways. We all possess more strength and courage than we know. We can endure and conquer so much. And it's amazing when we come together - like all of you, so selflessly, have done for me - and stand up for one another, and help each other grieve, or push through an obstacle, or battle the wars in our bodies. When we come along side each other and lift each other up - it's a powerful thing. I am honored and humbled to be in the company of such mighty, mighty warriors.

Whatever you may face right now... just remember that you are brave. Even in your weariness, your pain, your overwhelming sense of grief, your confusion, your unbearable loneliness, your fear. Don't forget to feel. It's okay to hurt. I fully encourage a good cry or two or five. Just don't forget... that you are courageous. You've got this. You are not alone. I promise.



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