Monday, June 23, 2014

THE VULNERABILITY OF MOTHERHOOD



Wee One: [humming] “mmm…mmmm….mmmmmmmm”
Daddy: “is that good juice, Reef?”
Wee One: “Yes, Daddy. Yummy in my tummy.”
Daddy: “What kind of juice are you drinking?”
Wee One: [looks down and studies the picture on the front of the carton] “Butterfly juice, Daddy.”

[sigh]

I'm often prompted lately to tell people his age. He turns 3 next month, and just before I respond with "he's three," I pause, clear my throat and answer, "he'll be three late July." 

I loved his infancy and his one's, but the two's blew me out of the water. So much awe and discovery and growth and vocabulary. He's so much fun to be around! I'd rather hang out with him than an adult any day of the week. Forget wine and steak dinners...I much prefer fruit snacks anyway.

I've never met a more well-mannered two-year old. This kid never misses an opportunity to bless you after a sneeze (even a room away) or extend thank you's. I kiss him and how does he respond, "sank you mommy!" And if he tests the waters and pokes you with one of his golf clubs, and your reaction to that is "ouch," he's quick to run up offering hugs and apologies, "sossy mommy."

All My Happy Endings chronicles the journey that changed me most. 


It is on this blog, in that first post, that I entered into the world of perpetual vulnerability.  Here, where I have experienced more insecurity and heartsickness and wild love than I had ever known in my entire life.
Just a couple years later, and I’m still reeling from the effects.
It has taken me this long to accept that I will never recover. 
The vulnerability of motherhood is what ails me. It is what drives my anxiety and the swallowing down of my worst fears. It is what finds me, begging God above to make me capable of protecting my children and raising them with love and goodness inside. It is a lesson every day in humility, in letting go, in digging in. I will never get used to it. 
But it is the love of motherhood that cures me. It forces me to do more good than I was ever capable of doing on my own. To be stronger than I want to be. To live outside my own narrow point of view. To speak up despite my weakness. Everything… better, more deeply, passionately.. for them.  
It is all written down here.  All the times I’ve been lost. And all the ways my children found me.





2 comments:

  1. Love this! I'm expecting my first baby in a month and I can't wait. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability :)

    My Wholesome Home

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Rachel Lynn! Congratulations and welcome to motherhood! It's an adventure like no other, and the most cherished gift you will ever receive - XOXO

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I am incredibly grateful for your comment! I will respond as soon as possible. XOXO, Mandi

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