Friday, August 26, 2011

THE GREAT POOP DISASTER

Having a baby? Then, you're about to embark on a stinky journey into the world of baby poop! Chances are, you have no idea that your world is about to revolve around what comes out of your new baby's cute little bottom.

If you're already a mom (or dad), you've been in poop up to your ears, but while what's below may not be new to you fellow veterans, I can almost guarantee a laugh…a "gee, that sounds familiar"…or at the very least… a knowing smirk.

So, I stood there for a second trying to figure out what to do about this great poop disaster while I stripped my t-shirt and shorts off, wiped the runny baby poop off my hands and his legs with a tank top and burp rag (aka “goy-goy” in my house). Btw, you really know you’re a mom when you use your clothing to wipe up baby poop! I heaped the clothes into a pile out of his reach and ran through the house, in my panties, for more supplies…clean supplies.

It all started with a stench. I checked the side of the dipey and what to my wondering eyes did I see? Poop! For not having seen poop in two days, I was rather elated knowing Reef’s discomfort last night would be a thing of the past (temporarily anyway). So…off with the dipey and on to cleaning my dahling’s sweet baby bottom. Now I don’t enjoy bathroom humor as much as many of you, and so I’m going to save the details of this particular bowel movement except to say that it was…well, not solid. Therefore, it was everywhere!

I gathered his feet and held them high and pushed back towards Reef’s chest…when OMG! he’s not finished excreting! In moments like this, the body enters a sort of flight-or-fight response. Time slows down. Adrenalin pulses. The mind starts ticking methodically…focus on the basics, on survival…

Don’t know if there is such thing, but this was projectile poop. I look over and see that I have only 2 wipes remaining. My options don’t look promising, but I’m running out of time. Any second one of those erratic bouncing hands is going to reach down and grab that stuff. Must act now! Fine! I can wash everything in bleach and hot water later, right? So, I used the nearest blanket, goy-goy, and even my own shirt to catch what mimicked that of a playdoh machine.

Then I started to undress him. This is when I discovered that he had baby poop smeared half-way up his back too. Have you ever wished there was someone else home and you could just drop the kid on their lap and lock yourself in your bedroom for twenty minutes? But I know this isn’t Inception. It isn’t my dream or anybody else’s and in a horrible twist of fate, I’m the only person here to deal with this.

A short while later, I realize that I’m writing a blog post about baby poop and its role in my life, even though I swore I was way too deep and profound and intellectual for that kind of…um…crap. Lol!

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